All In
I’m someone who likes to be all in with whatever I do. When I’m in a club, I like to go to all the events. When I’m in a job, I like to get everything done that needs to get done, no matter how much time I’m actually paid for. When I’m infatuated with someone I want to do everything with them. It has worked for me. I get to totally immerse myself in a group culture. I get to know where all my free time is spent. I get to belong. And it is entirely clear that I belong because I am always at everything.
I have recently been struggling because two communities I am part of seem to constantly have conflicting schedules. Whenever one has an event, the other has a class. When the other has an event, the first has an important meeting. And it has frustrated me, because I feel like I’m caught between two worlds. I start to feel ground down like grain between mill wheels. I want to belong and therefore I want to be part of almost everything in each community. But It feels like little parts of me are torn off because I want to be in one place but also need to be in another.
And then I miss something for one group and someone comments on needing help or missing me. Then I feel guilty, like a pebble in the cogs of a large machine, making it stutter and slow. I feel pressed between the needs of each group like I should somehow make them function better. I get this image of my life as ever decreasing grains of sand. And it makes me angry. Because these are groups who are supposed to support me. These are communities I belong in. And belonging is supposed to mean support.
Thing is, the communities support different aspects of who I am. Both are important to me. And I contribute something to both of them. Honestly, I belong in both communities.
Today I have a new image. Today I am wondering if I can just say I am all in in my own life. And part of my life is doing some of the things in one community. Part of my life is doing things in another. Part of my life is quiet contemplation that involves no one else. There are a lot of aspects to my life. I don’t have to be hurt or stressed by wanting to be in two places at once. I get to breathe and choose which parts of every community I participate in. That feels a lot more calm, a lot more confident and a lot less stressed.
I belong in my life. Wherever that is. I can be all in in my own life.
Wild Witch Wondering 